Thoughts while watching the 79th Academy Awards – aka - The Oscars aka - The Most Boring 3+ Hours on Television:
• So let me get this straight - there are TWO awards for short films, but there is no category for best comedy?
• Ellen is the host of this show, is that necessary? Was Billy Crystal busy? Did they even call? I don’t think they called. He would be here. This isn’t Lifetime.
o At least she dressed up. Like a man in the late 70’s going to either a wedding or the disco.
• Best sound editing? Wouldn’t this be covered at the technical awards? Did we pull this one out because it was more exciting? I’m pretty sure we will be glad they made time for this when Peter O’ Toole is fast asleep when his category comes up in two hours.
• Why don’t they have a category for Best New Actor? Best New Director?
• You get the feeling the people that make and star in movies are very proud of themselves. Very. Basically a room full of people who clap for one another for one reason – the hope that those people will be clapping for them sometime soon. Essentially a very large mutual masturbation event, in formalwear.
• I would never have thought the documentary that bashed the President and championed a liberal cause would win the Oscar. Hollywood usually doesn’t show any political affiliation. The movie must be very unbiased and factually based.
• I think its natural to be confused when you first hear Forrest Whitaker associated with the words the ‘Last King of Scotland.’ It requires explanation.
• Couldn’t they get Al Gore the next neck size up? Do we really need to see that much neck blubber?
• Remember when Cameron Diaz was hot?
• Introducing Ben Affleck as an Academy Award winning screenwriter is like introducing Brady Anderson as 50 HR hitter – it may legitimize him, but it brings down everyone else who has ever accomplished such a thing.
• Did you know that the 2020 version of Kevin Smith wrote the Departed? Me neither.
• A ticker that explained this rivalry (infighting? exclusion?) amongst the 5 producers of the Departed would be helpful.
• Remember when the Oscars didn’t really really suck?
• The Wes Anderson Amex commercial is great. It should be on all the time.
• At this point, I’m starting to think some of these events – the Oscars, Grammy’s, NBA All-Star game – continue to exist solely for the surrounding events and parties – and the event itself just goes through the motions. Who really cares at this point? Is anyone even paying attention to who wins?
• Hearing Clint Eastwood slip and call Ellen ‘young man’ would have been the greatest 5 seconds in the history of live television.
• Right, the American guy with no accent has a chance for best cinematographer.
o What percentage of the viewing audience could even slightly explain what a cinematographer does? 2%? .5%?
o I have no idea what movie this guy cinematographed. And I have no idea if that’s a word. I thought Borat was really good. At least it got nominated for one thing.
• Robert Downey Jr had the best line of the night. Might have been worth the price of admission.
• Are you allowed to have beverages in the audience? Like a discreet water bottle or fountain soda? Perhaps a small bottle of whiskey?
o Do you think any side betting takes place on the awards? Rich bored celebrities sitting around, these people gamble on this, right?
• Again: Visual Effects = Technical Award.
• What about ‘Best Breakout Performance’ or ‘Best Comedic Role by a Dramatic Actor’ and the converse ‘Best Dramatic Performance by a traditionally Comedic Actor;?’ This wouldn’t be more interesting? Maybe its just me.
• Can we get subtitles when they are showing the Kung Fu category? Thank you.
• What about a ticker or graphic tag that tells us who is presenting, what category, nominees, whatever? At least we could feel like something is actually being accomplished.
• Lets give a standing ovation for global warming!!! While they pat themselves on the back, I’m going to go find my shovel and snow boots.
• Hey Al Gore – you can’t be President, but you can touch my Oscar.
o Go ahead, announce you are running. Ppplease. If you couldn’t win on the coattails of the most popular Democratic president ever, you don’t have a chance with that same guy officially against you. Did I mention you couldn’t even win your home state in that election? Warrants mentioning.
• You know what I would be impressed by? If Clint announced he was running for President. Eastwood/Ford (Harrison). You wouldn’t vote for those guys?
• Again, some sort of subtitle or ticker would help me a lot right now. If I have to listen to Clint mumble some kind of intro to find out what is going on, this really isn’t going to work.
• Did we not know he was going to do his speech in Italian? Is there one person in the audience who has a clue what he is talking about? Is Clint making this up? He is clearly making this up. Good ad-lib.
• Is there a reason people aren’t just politely clapping? Did this guy do bad things to young people like Roman Pulanski? Wait, they love Roman Pulanski. That was just weird. I’d like a translation of what he said, there’s more to this.
• I think I could score a film and it wouldn’t come off half bad. I mean, this is far from rocket science. Dramatic music! Lower, lower, hold it, Suspense music! They should have a reality show for this.
• Remember when people used to do their acceptance speeches in English. Dios mio.
• Maybe the problem, at least for me, this year, is that these movies don’t seem to have the impact and staying power of recent years. That and I haven’t seen half of them. Plus I think Helen Mirren and Judy Dench are the same person – why is only one there? Hmmm.
• Whoever stole Kirsten Dunst’s breasts from Spiderman, please give them back to her. Now.
• Jennifer Hudson is one more dip away from a wardrobe malfunction. In more important news, Beyonce is smoking hot. Wow.
• We are at the 3 hour mark, and by my count, 2 awards that I care about have been given out. I think this is the Academy’s way of thumbing its nose at the East Coast.
• I do not want to know what Ellen was doing behind the curtain during that performance.
• A lesbian kiss! I had no idea they would give more awards to the Global Warming movie. Blindly getting behind a cause with no solution to lead the way – isn’t that what America is really all about?
• Would be nice if they showed the Wes Anderson commercial again. Its better than everything I’ve seen besides Seinfeld, Robert Downey Jr and Beyonce so far.
• ABC is lucky the biggest show on Sunday nights is their own show, or half the audience would have turned away to watch Gray’s. Come to think of it, 20% of the people watching tuned in for Gray’s Anatomy and realized the Oscars were on and they might as well watch.
• I’m pretty sure Hilary Clinton is responsible for choosing Ellen’s outfits tonight.
• Highlight of the night – hearing off mic Spielberg say Mazel Tov to Marty.
• At least the right guy and the right movie won. Amen.
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